My mother-in-law spoiled my wedding

September 14, 2010 at 3:36 pm Leave a comment

My mother-in-law is literally a nightmare. When I was getting married, I was so afraid of her that I gave into all of her demands. Looking back, I had a dress that I didn’t really like [had to be super-conservative] a room full of her friends, a band that she chose [awful] and a zillion other little things that I really didn’t want. That, and during the ceremony, my bridesmaids came to me to tell me she was crying in the bathroom. Oh, and did I mention she boycotted the brunch the next day? If I had known her better, I would have realized that nothing would make her happy.

Common Problem. We hear stories all the time about brides and grooms that are blissfully happy until the families [on either side] get involved with the wedding planning and details. Your ability to manage that situation may predict your ability to navigate family politics together in the years to come.

Have you ever dated a guy who didn’t like his parents and you meet them and you think, “why doesn’t he like them. They are such wonderful people?” Then, six months into the relationship, you realize that they are completely awful but by that time you have become “friends” with them and it is too hard to get rid of them?

Here is our itty-bitty piece of advice on this one: If you love your bride/groom, trust their judgement and follow their lead. If they think their parents are a nightmare, chances are their opinion is a lot more fact based than yours will be. Don’t try to be the bridge-builder or healer or you will wind up sorely disappointed, as this bride found out.

So how to deal with your mother-in-law?

Just keep in mind that everything you do is going to set the stage for the rest of your life. So, if you think that planning a wedding is difficult, wait until you have a child that she doesn’t believe you are raising the right way. Have a long and serious discussion with your groom about what kind of relationship he has with his parents and how he sees them being involved in his life. Ask him if he thinks that they will always be in charge [as many people do out of respect and deference] or if he sees himself making some kind of a break from them when he gets married and starts his own family.

This may be a tough conversation to have, but it is probably one of the most important ones you can have before getting married. If it is your husbands dream to move 3,000 miles to live next to his mom and dad, you should know that in advance. If you have a good grasp on the relationship it will go a long way to guide you in terms of making concessions to the bride and grooms family during the wedding planning process.

Good luck – this is a tough one.

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Entry filed under: Groom Related.

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